Tuesday, November 3, 2015

2015-11-3 Two Comedians

We had a ventriloquist show by Mike Robinson two nights ago. He was a black guy with a black dummy except that he said they are no longer called dummies. Now they are called Manikin Americans. He also said that here on Holland America, they no longer advertise gambling in the casinos. They changed the name to gaming because gambling implies you might win.

He asked a couple to help him with the show. Afterwards, he asked them how long they had been married and they said 47 years. (We have also been married 47 years!) Of course, everyone applauded the length of their marriage. The comedian said that length of marriage was nothing remarkable on this ship. Looking around, everyone is in the audience is gray haired and doddering. He said 47 years is only the Aluminum Anniversary on this cruise.

He told a long story about a man who was pulled over by a policeman for having a burnt out tail light. The officer was going to give him a warning when his wife said that the tail light had been burnt out for months. She said she told him to change it but he just ignored her. The policeman asked her if she always spoke to her husband like this. She said, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

He also said that he is a hypochondriac. At least, that’s what his gynecologist told him.

Last night, we had another comedian named Ritch Shydner. He started out talking about aging. He said he didn’t have a receding hairline. He had a progressive forehead.

Then, he moved onto the differences between men and women. He said that a beautiful woman looks in a mirror and sees one thing she doesn’t like and obsesses over it. A man who is in terrible shape looks in a mirror and ignores everything that’s wrong and focuses on the one that is good. He says, “Look at those biceps! I still have great biceps!”

He said there are several good things about getting older. For one, no one ever tells him anymore that he is wasting his potential. Another is that he no longer wonders who watches the 9 o’clock news—he knows who watches. And he doesn’t try to pick up new information anymore. He is afraid that any new info will knock the names of his parents right out of his brain.

He talked about landline phones for a while. No one ever gets a busy signal any more. They get a call waiting. He said he pays $20 a month for call waiting when a busy signal once did the job for free.

When we grew up, there was one phone in the house and it was nailed to the wall. Long distance was a dirty word. Accepting a long distance call would lead to economic ruin for his family. So, there were all kinds of schemes to keep from using long distance. When he moved away from home, he placed a long distance call to his parents and asked for himself. His dad turned down the call and then told his mom that the kid was still alive!

He said Tinder is a way for a guy to be rejected by 600 women in one evening. He has some advice for men’s Tinder photos—forget putting up a muscle shot of yourself. Instead, put up a shot of yourself holding a valid credit card and standing in front of a nice car.

He said his kids are grown and out of the house. He and his wife are no longer in the section of the wedding vows that mentioned “to have and to hold” and are in “until death do us part” section.

A friend once told him that he should stop chasing after women. He said, "Have you looked at yourself lately? You can't do any chasing. Your best bet is to lie in wait."