This was Mark’s first appearance on a cruise ship and he was
really good. He started by telling us that a woman in the balcony was
celebrating her 97th birthday. Of course, we all applauded. Then he
said she was sitting by her parents.
He said the passengers on this ship are so old that the
portholes are all bifocals. He went out dancing on the ship last night and a
woman pinched him on the butt. He turned
around and told her to act her age. So, she died.
He asked if there were any Dutch in the audience. (No). He
asked about several other nationalities but we are 95% Americans on this
cruise. He said Americans are very positive people. They even have positivity
in their name—Ameri-CAN, unlike the British who are Brit-ISH.
He told a long joke using an Irish accent about a man who
was ice fishing. He cut a hole in the ice and sat down to wait for a tug on the
line. He waited an hour and didn’t get a nibble. Suddenly, he heard a booming
voice say, “There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignored the voice and kept on fishing. He heard the voice again,
“There are no fish under the ice!”
The man said, “Are you God?” The voice said, “No, I am the
ice rink manager!”
He went down into the audience and picked up a woman in the
front row, then carried her to another seat in the front row. Then he went to
other side, picked up another woman and carried her to the opposite side and
set her in the first woman’s seat. He said since he was on the ship he wanted
to try a little wife-swapping.
He told a story about a boy who was born with a terrible
deformity. He was only a head with no body. He lived on the side board in the
dining room. He didn’t go to school or any activities because his parents were
afraid he would be hurt or made fun of. It was terribly sad. On the day he
turned 18 years old, his father asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He
always got the same birthday present—a hat. He asked his dad if he would take him to a
pub for his 18th birthday and buy him a whiskey. His dad didn’t
think that was such a great idea but he got a hat box and put his son in the
box. When they got to the pub, he bought his son his first alcoholic drink. The
son suddenly sprouted a neck, then a trunk, then arms and then legs.
The son was so happy that he got up and started dancing. The
women were crying and the men were cheering. Everyone was so happy for him.
Suddenly, he jumped up on a table and started leaping from table to table.
Unfortunately, he slipped on a beer coaster and fell off the table and died.
The barkeeper, “It’s his own fault, really. He should have
quit while he was a head.”
