We had a
ventriloquist show by Mike Robinson two nights ago. He was a black guy with a
black dummy except that he said they are no longer called dummies. Now they are
called Manikin Americans. He also said that here on Holland America, they no
longer advertise gambling in the casinos. They changed the name to gaming
because gambling implies you might win.
He asked a
couple to help him with the show. Afterwards, he asked them how long they had
been married and they said 47 years. (We have also been married 47 years!) Of
course, everyone applauded the length of their marriage. The comedian said that
length of marriage was nothing remarkable on this ship. Looking around,
everyone is in the audience is gray haired and doddering. He said 47 years is
only the Aluminum Anniversary on this cruise.
He told a
long story about a man who was pulled over by a policeman for having a burnt out
tail light. The officer was going to give him a warning when his wife said that
the tail light had been burnt out for months. She said she told him to change
it but he just ignored her. The policeman asked her if she always spoke to her
husband like this. She said, “No, only when he’s drunk.”
He also said
that he is a hypochondriac. At least, that’s what his gynecologist told him.
Last night,
we had another comedian named Ritch Shydner. He started out talking about
aging. He said he didn’t have a receding hairline. He had a progressive
forehead.
Then, he
moved onto the differences between men and women. He said that a beautiful
woman looks in a mirror and sees one thing she doesn’t like and obsesses over
it. A man who is in terrible shape looks in a mirror and ignores everything
that’s wrong and focuses on the one that is good. He says, “Look at those biceps!
I still have great biceps!”
He said
there are several good things about getting older. For one, no one ever tells
him anymore that he is wasting his potential. Another is that he no longer
wonders who watches the 9 o’clock news—he knows who watches. And he doesn’t try
to pick up new information anymore. He is afraid that any new info will knock
the names of his parents right out of his brain.
He talked
about landline phones for a while. No one ever gets a busy signal any more.
They get a call waiting. He said he pays $20 a month for call waiting when a
busy signal once did the job for free.
When we grew up, there was one phone in
the house and it was nailed to the wall. Long distance was a dirty word.
Accepting a long distance call would lead to economic ruin for his family. So,
there were all kinds of schemes to keep from using long distance. When he moved
away from home, he placed a long distance call to his parents and asked for
himself. His dad turned down the call and then told his mom that the kid was
still alive!
He said
Tinder is a way for a guy to be rejected by 600 women in one evening. He has
some advice for men’s Tinder photos—forget putting up a muscle shot of yourself.
Instead, put up a shot of yourself holding a valid credit card and standing in
front of a nice car.
He said his
kids are grown and out of the house. He and his wife are no longer in the
section of the wedding vows that mentioned “to have and to hold” and are in
“until death do us part” section.
A friend once told him that he should stop chasing after women. He said, "Have you looked at yourself lately? You can't do any chasing. Your best bet is to lie in wait."
